Like the last 10 diary entries I have managed to make this semester, I’m going to start with an apology.
I have been terrible at translating the experiences in my head to the words on the screen, especially since life is transforming faster than I can sit down and type things up. Mood swings are oscillating at a frequency faster than the time it takes to open up the laptop and generate coherent words. Friends are evolving at the rate of fungi on left open moist food.
I am trying not to feel guilty about this. After all, experiences are designed to be like the rain drops slipping through fingers and you have to work with the somewhat tiny puddle your hands can capture. No matter how big you think your palms can cup, that volume will remain tiny with respect to the entire volume of the torrents that wash by. But lately, even the urge to write about whatever little has been happening has been sinking to a new fear. Thus life has been feeling increasingly incomplete.
If you saw the 21 drafts that I have saved, hastily making sure that the prospects of a future post deserve expression in some time, they have gathered no additional content but virtual dust and an increasing time-stamp. If you saw the grades I’ve been getting, you would not think that I decided to stay with my chosen major even after several disappointing failures.
Life is becoming increasingly uncertain. The self-doubt has now spread from my technical competence to even my ability as a writer. Maybe even as a person. Am I still a pushover? Do I still get nettled by irrelevant things? Are they irrelevant? Where is that soft boundary between rising up in angst and telling myself to calm down?
I have lately taken to saying “Get it together” as though repeating that vague mantra will make everything okay. Get what together, exactly?
Well then. The apology has been made and now it is time to get to a solution. Restart. Keep doing what I’m doing.
Dory’s “Just Keep Swimming”? Fear not, we shall soon make a graduate out of ye with honors in Theory of Continuous Swimming