Sadness pulled his arms around me and held me close. In the close comfort of grief, I could cry.I could weep and it was justified because I was literally enveloped in Sadness. Sadness waited until the hiccups were gone, until my eyes had run bloodshot and the tears had saturated all the tissue paper I had to spare. It was a strange feeling relishing the sheer volume of tears that I wept and the way my body actually responded to Sadness.
“Are we done with this now?” Reason tapped my shoulder, exhausted from the ordeal and requesting on behalf of the rest of my body and life that I stop stringing my high-strung brain even further. Reason does not understand why I’m sitting here weeping, and why this weeping has to happen. It must be allowed to continue, tissue paper or otherwise. He tapped my shoulder in an attempt to get me to my senses.
“Go. Away. Please.”
“I’ll leave you two to it, then,” said Reason, unable to hide the disgust and left to make my excuses to the rest of the world.
When I woke up the next day, I was cold and without the comfort of Sadness. Perhaps it was a good thing he wasn’t here, and I could tell that Reason was very glad to see him go. I used to ask Reason why and he would always say that he could get across to me only when Sadness was not around.
“Um, so what’s her condition?” I asked of the patient upstairs.
“I don’t know. Someone asked me to leave.” By someone I knew Reason meant me and when he was not on his best behavior, I could tell that I had done something wrong. Something that went against Reason.
“I would have checked in on her if she wanted me anywhere near her”, muttered Reason. He wanted to be helpful. He wanted to show that he could genuinely care, if caring was within reason. But she didn’t want him anywhere near her and she was adamant, even on her possible death-bed, about enforce this restriction. “Reason has nothing to do with this,” she screeched. The rest of us were too intimidated by her to argue otherwise.
I walked into the patient’s room, bracing myself for the storm that was to follow, rehearsing every single line I had thought of to her face and an enumeration of the ways I could convey it to her.
“You’ve been crying last night,” she said.
“Sadness does have comfortable shoulders, doesn’t he?”
“You don’t seem too affected by his presence though.”
“I’m not. For once in my life, I genuinely don’t regret crying.”
“It’s a sign that you’re still alive.”
It’s also why he left me cold in the morning. What can I possibly say to this fragile creature who was withering away before my very eyes, letting go of life finger by finger and taking her time to slide gracefully to death?
“Bet Reason must have been beyond confused.”
“He was. He wanted to talk to you about some things, which he feels might make you better.”
“Poor Reason. Trying to be useful all the time.”
“He’s only trying to help you. You should listen to him.”
“I never listen to reason. It’s in my nature. You, of all people, should know that.”
“I am acutely aware of that.”
“Will you miss me when I’m gone?”
“I don’t know. I suppose if Sadness is around, I might.”
“There’s always Reason.”
“You don’t listen to him as often as you should.”
I was not going to tolerate shrewd observations from her once wild, tumultuous and untamed form. “Maybe if you had, things would not have come to this.”
“……There’s something I have to tell you.”
“I’m scared of what will happen if you go away and never come back.” Is this what all the trepidation had fallen to? The words sounded like an anticlimax in my own ears.
“You mean when I die? Don’t worry, it’s only natural.”
“Is it though? Sadness never seems to die.”
“Yeah, but that’s what makes him old and immortal and weird. Rebirth is how I keep my skin glowing.”
“But true nonetheless. You could say I have an affliction like Reason does. We have to feel useful. We have to feel like we’re driving our goals to an end.”
“….Why can’t the endings be happy?” The tears were about to come back and she nearly hissed at me.
“For God’s sake, I love you and I wanted to talk to you and not Sadness. Don’t you dare invite his creepy form in here.”
“I thought you liked him. As in, you enjoyed his company. Or his shoulders. Or something.” I started to wipe the tears that hadn’t yet fallen.
“Sometimes. Now is not one of those times.”
In all of this conversation, she had been growing increasingly pale and I suddenly realized that if she grew any paler, she would have merged into the background and that would have been almost as good as dying on me.
“Um. So. You’ve wasted all of my time arguing with me. I’m about to go now.”
“Please don’t,” I said, desperately clutching her hand, keenly aware of the shadow of Sadness that waited just outside the door, waiting for me to explode into his arms again.
“It has to be done,” she said with a finality that left me hollow.
“Will you never ever come back? Please? Not even for Reason’s sake?”
But she had gone. She had left me without answering the question and I did not know how to interpret her permanent silence. I reeled for a while knowing that she hadn’t answered. Did she mean yes? Did that mean that she would truly abandon me?
Reason was the first one to come to me when I left the room, but Sadness was waiting behind him, almost respectfully. I wanted to show Reason how much Sadness respected his presence, how humble he was in the presence of Reason, but I knew that Reason would not listen to me as much as I didn’t listen to him.
“Love has died, hasn’t she?”