There are moments when I wonder if getting that grade is really everything that I’m supposed to do. I realize that I’m here, in New York, far away from home. This endeavor is a huge financial and emotional investment by my family. I don’t have any other course of option besides succeeding. Everyone tells me that these grades and education and everything are necessary in order to achieve something in life. Though I’m sure there are several exceptions, my father has maintained that an education is actually supposed to open up new doors for me. At the end of the day, it’s up to me what I choose. But which one is going to be “right” one?
I worry about whether this grade is really worth it. Whether it will really help me get to that still partially undefined goal of happiness that I’m looking for. I have this vague image of where I want to be in the next 5/6/7…(10, if I’m going to be really bold) years of my life. From where I am now, despite all of my current achievements, I still feel like that’s a long way to go.
Last night, I was up late, contemplating on why series’ equations are driving me up the wall. I was terribly frustrated with my problem set, and this fact wasn’t helped along by an upcoming quiz in the topic as well. I do horrible things when I’m anxious. Namely, I cry on the phone to my parents and shortly proceed to get annoyed with myself. Obviously they don’t like to see me unhappy, and they try their best, being at such a great distance. I know that the distance makes them worry unnecessarily, but I can’t help it. Which goes to make me even more annoyed with myself. There are times when I can weep only to them and they seem to be the only two people in the world who actually understand what’s going on.
It’s also weird how my anxiety is inversely proportional to the regularity of my meals. Or maybe it isn’t weird.
But you know what really snapped me awake from this? It was the sound of a blaring siren at about 12:30 AM in the morning. Some poor sick soul was rushing to save their life. Some wrong-doer was going to be caught somewhere. They’re playing out the story of their lives, while I’m sitting here in some comfortable dorm room, capable enough to write, privileged enough to have the loving support of my friends and family, of having a roof over my head and access to a meal (as compared to the thousands who don’t). I do not have to worry about whether I would live to see the next day.
There I was a few minutes ago frightening myself with the shadow of a midterm. Even though I’m calmer now, I still get annoyed by the fact that I let such a relatively trivial thing get amplified in my mind.
Come on. There are bigger battles to be fought.